012: Thank You For Your Service, Bob Saget // STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS // SHORT STORY

Tuesday’s posts are unplanned, streams of consciousness, straight off the top of the dome. Get into it. Or don’t. Just try to do what makes you happy, okay?

Can we all admit that at some point in history an alien has probably popped down to earth to study us humans? Chances are it was in the mid 90’s and the curious alien randomly ended up gathering all their data from some random quaint and tacky family home in the midwest.

I like to think they chose to disguise themselves as a teenage* earthling and called themselves something unassuming like Pete.

Pete would begin their research by infiltrating a soccer practice with their chosen teen.

Pete would mimic their chosen teen’s every move by leaving their backpack in the hall, shouting an unceremonious hello to a tired mother in the bedroom, and then snacking on some preservative filled soft treats from the pantry.** Pete would enjoy the treat tremendously but would become immediately dissatisfied with the internal aftermath.

They would follow their chosen teen and sit on the tacky printed couch as their teen pressed the buttons on the small box serving as the focal point in the large room. Joining Pete on the abrasive, floral couch the teen would reveal none other than the TV classic, America’s Funniest Home Videos.

The teen would immediately become immersed in the moving pictures and soon, Pete would too.

The “America’s Funniest Home Videos” title alone would imply that this was the best option for getting a decent general perspective of what humans in the United States of America believed to be funny. Pete would be delighted with such a blatant gift to take back to their home planet as part of the extensive human research campaign they are a part of.

Pete would continue to ape their human. Together they would laugh loudly at the elderly falling over things and the children falling under things. Then, after a seemingly endless montage of people getting hit in their human genitals, loud advertisements for various noisy, useless plastic products would appear causing the laughter to cease. Pete’s chosen teen would stand up and enter a small room with a giant bowl securing the door behind him before a confused Pete would be able to stand and join him.

Pete wouldn’t mind though, as they obviously would need a moment to reflect on what they had just seen on the magic box. Pete would return to the kitchen, now fully addicted to the taste of the earthling’s food supply. Pete would think to themself, “Wow, humans must really like seeing each other get hurt!” as they ate frozen pizza rolls straight from the box.

As they considered this, Bob Saget’s familiar voice would return to the bright box once more, luring Pete back to the printed couch.

Bob would be followed by the most adorable thing Pete had ever seen. What was this lovely creature? Bob called it a dog. How furry and bouncy and sweet! Pete would scoot to the edge of the couch to watch more closely at what funny things this dog may do in order to make American humans laugh. Pete would be so immersed that they would barely notice their teenage companion had returned from the tiny room bringing with him very wet hands and a foul odor.

Pete would find themselves laughing almost organically towards the dogs they saw on screen. Each dog was more enjoyable than the last. How great it felt to laugh in this new human skin!

Pete would soon be in for a wake up call, however, as we must not forget, it was AFV that they were watching.

Before Pete knew what hit them, the next video would be that one awful one where the dog turns around, revealing its actual butthole to the camera. Pete would be forced to watch as the little dog attempted to speak out in its own language at its caretakers but from the behind’s perspective. The dog’s butthole would contract and release with each new bark. The video would last 20 painful seconds. Pete would watch each of those seconds, unblinkingly.

The alien would be incredibly offended, rightfully so.

How could humans be so vulgar? Did they even get permission from that dog to show on this chosen teen’s box? How could anyone find something like that funny?

The alien would pick themselves off the couch, confused. They would leave the bag of frozen pizza rolls to thaw out on the floor, forever burdened by the visual of that dog’s most personal assets pulsating for the masses.

This will be our legacy.

Thank you for your service, Bob Saget.

*everyone knows teens don’t pay attention to anyone but themselves, dramatically reducing the likelihood of being caught.

**removing the plastic wrapper first, of course.

No Clementines were harmed in the making of this short story.



is a collection of work written by Julie Merica.

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