Personal Journal Entry - 02|03|20

Today is Monday. The beginning of the work week. A tragic end to the weekend, which flew by too quickly.

Today, I climbed out of bed (with a struggle) around 8 am and took Clementine for a bit of a walk before settling into a quick Yoga with Adrienne session from YouTube. I really struggled to stay present in today’s practice. I was distracted with the amount of dusting that needed to be done around my apartment, in addition to the thousand other chores that I have been unable to attend to due to my outrageous schedule.

As I wrapped up the session, instead of reflecting on it, I dusted a few shelves and cleaned the toilet. Proactive procrastination is my specialty. When I should be accomplishing another important task, I typically distract myself with a fairly productive task that doesn’t feel as shameful as just ignoring it.

This is day two of sunshine for all of 2020 in Chicago, so Clementine and I took our time on our walk around the block this morning. I typically bring her with me to work but I needed to run a few errands after and hate the stress of having to leave the house again once I have dropped her off. I do feel notably more energetic (50% is better than 10%) and I don’t know if I want to give full credit to the sun or the fact that I actually got a reasonable amount of sleep this past weekend.

I spent the rest of the morning collecting laundry, breakfast, etc. before heading to work around noon when I pick up Desmond from school. He naps while I do a few chores around their home (and a few of my own, HELLO HIGH QUALITY WASHING MACHINE) and I decided today would be a good day for typing my morning pages instead of writing them.

Tonight is my first Monday evening free in weeks since I began hosting bingo nights at ROCKS. They pay well, the bartenders are incredible, I get free grub and drinks, and it’s a really great time. Plus, I have been recognized more from trivia than any other comedy appearance I have had since moving here which is as depressing as it sounds. Real talk, it’s nice to hang out with “normies” or people outside of the comedy community for a change.

A free night means chores: headshot session edits, a return to target, another epic dog walk, putting the laundry I washed while at work, away, etc. but most importantly, it means more time to study French.

I have been studying for exactly one week now and I am starting to see tiny improvements in my pronunciations, vocabulary, and understanding of conversational French. I have until October to study and learn as much as I can before my trip to Paris, so I am taking it on as a personal challenge to myself to see how much I can learn in the meantime.

So far, I have been practicing daily via DuoLingo (which I have some issues with, but it’s a good resource for beginner development and daily practice), podcasts (French Daily and the DuoLingo podcast which is very well done), turning on French subtitles when I watch TV or simply turning on French TV with English subtitles. I have been reading PDFs of stolen children’s books online and listening to a Pandora station based on a single French pop song I heard and didn’t despise called “Balance Ton Quoi” which is nothing short of a feminist bop. Mostly, though, I have been down the YouTube rabbit hole. Damen & Jo are fluent in several languages and watching their French Friday series and their vlogs have inspired me to travel again.

I plan to really explore Paris on some days, but for the most part, I am just looking forward to a vacation. I want to pretend I live there, with no responsibility for 10 days. I don’t want to stress over making it to every painting in The Louvre or trying every croissant on the Pudlo charts. I just want to feel like a local and explore book stores and thrift shops and potentially French kiss a French person.

Life has been hectic in a way that is kind of unexplainable.

I found out my ex-beau literally got MARRIED to the woman he lied to me about. Less than a year after he stopped leading me on (which was six months after the initial breakup) he eloped??

This information would be less of a blow if not for our history surrounding the idea of marriage. This blow alone was enough to send me reeling, but I really didn’t have time to process.

Working as a nanny daily, followed by Trivia on Mondays, Pressure on Tuesdays, in addition to my New Team Smell team (that I am coaching) performing every other Tuesday, MINt (Music Improv Team I am also coaching) rehearsals are on Wednesdays, MINt shows are on Thursdays, Sprinkle in the random stand-up showcases, the producer duties of Brews and Bad Movies, Pressure Showcase, Otherworld Showcase/Mic, my role on Dinner Detectives, and weekly episodes of Bud Buddies? I am beat, to say the least. And now I have just added Bingo Nights to my Sunday evenings at ROCKS because I still have not learned to say no to things.

Plus, I would love to finish the second draft of my screenplay, I NEED to bring back Tinderella, and I want to film all the damned sketches that I have in countless notebooks around my room.

My grandmother would always tell me I was “burning the candle at both ends” when I would overextend myself in high-school and I always felt like it was temporary, but it’s seemingly much deeper than that.

My therapist spoke to me about my inability to stop working hard at things and asked if I thought I transferred some of that behavior into my relationships and I immediately conceited. Absolutely. The work/reward ratio is so tangible in a business setting, I couldn’t help but put my all into relationships too. Which is a problem, obviously. It’s not allowing for any time for me, in addition to the fact that relationships aren’t output oriented. I can put all the effort in the world into someone and that may or may not change their opinion/feelings on me.

So in my newer relationships, I am finding myself moving much more slowly. Less passionately and more thoughtfully.

and so far?

I hate it.

But I am glad I have this evening off. Though, I may end up going to the ROCKS holiday party because I can’t help myself.